Wednesday, July 7, 2010

my mental health day...

ipod in my ears. doing laps on my bike, trying to rid myself of this damn flu bug and sadness i've had for the past few days. i never used to get sick. i could go for years without ever taking a sick day. lately i think it has to do with my stress level. stress high = lowered immune system = time to make tea, take xtra vitamins and  drink that therau-flu. and so i push myself...riding metallica, korn, seether, tool. i like when staind comes on cause their songs can be a little depressing and that fits my mood. i can play the song 'cancer' by my chemical romance over and over...making my self cry...over and over. only to be soothed by  deuter or sigur ros...but it doesn't last. i don't want to be soothed right now. i don't wanna calm down. i want to YELL! scream! but instead i turn the volume UP...switch to just the hard rock...and push on... it's july. my dad's birthday was in july. so was my sister's. dad passed away in '01 (prostate cancer). luckily he passed away a few months before 9-11, cause THAT would've killed him for sure. with my dad on his death bed...not  able to speak anymore...but still aware during moments of lucidity that crept around the edges of the morphine...he tried to reach out for me and i could hear that 'V' sound trying to form from somewhere deep in him...i could see his lips trying to form the he was finally trying to say 'i love you'. i'd never heard that before. not from him. it was an image that has never left me. even to this day. it makes me cry. my sister sally and i used to talk alot about dad after he passed away. how sad we thought his life was. his wife, our lunatic mother, had passed away a number of years earlier and although dad did miss her, at least he was finally able to be himself. after dad passed away, i heard 'stories' about dad wanting a divorce and mom telling him NO, that if he tried to divorce her she'd take the three kids and kill herself and them. and so, my entire childhood i never witnessed a hug...kiss...hand holding...not ONE gesture of affection between my parents. getting back to sally. we used to talk about our lives. our mistakes. what we love and what we hate. we were very different people...but we understood our differences and we were always there for each other. through all the rough times with my 2 sons...drugs, jail, rehab...she never left my side. even though my brother-in-law had told sally to stop sending birthday cards to my 2 boys...i guess he didn't want his wife to have anything to do with her fucked up sister's family. sally told me she just couldn't do that! she was too caring...forgiving. and  i feel like i was always there for sally too...whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on...or lean on...or someone she could say anything to...without any judgement...i was just a phone call away. sally was the youngest of the 3 kids. 3 years younger than me. our brother andy was 2 years younger than me. in 2007 sally lost her battle to breast cancer. i was living 2 1/2  hours away...cancelled all my appointments until further notice...and went to sally' help her and her family...with cleaning, cooking, anything they might need help with! when sally was moved from home to hospice, we knew the end was near. i was trying to stay strong, but it was tough. sally had 3 young girls...she was my little sister...i was always the wild, crazy one...why did this have to be happening?! so i called sally's good friend who lived across the country...and our brother andy...and told them they better get there quick if they wanted to see sally before she passed away. when andy brother-in-law and middle niece got these screwed up looks on their faces and said "who called uncle andy? who told him to come?" > like they didn't know it was ME? i said "i did! he's our brother!"  it's funny the things that stick in your head. i wish i could get around it, but i can't. so there we were... andy and i were the only ones left of our immediate family. of everyone, andy and i were the closest. we were like the black sheep of the family. we stuck together. i told him "you better not fucking die cause i'm not going through this shit again! if anyone goes next, it's ME goddamnit!!" he didn't listen very well. the following year, in '07 he moved from NY to FL, with literally nothing but the clothes on his back and his 2 cats. he moved in with sam and i...a few months go by...he got a job...his own apartment...but he's not feeling well. anemic. bleeding inside. had to have transfusions. tests. more tests. the Drs thought maybe stomach ulcers. more tests. they're good at that! guessing and testing!! nope, not ulcers.  gastric cancer. a very aggressive cancer. from the first oncologist visit which i took him to...til he passed away in the hospital...was under a month. fuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!! what's going on? sure we had a pretty fucked up family...dysfunctional to the point of hilarious...but they're dropping like flies all around me! what did i do to deserve this?! hey you're probably thinking, shit, girl, you better be careful yourself...sounds like you have a family history of cancer.well,  i was adopted. so was andy. > maybe it was something in the water?
anyway...i feel better now. even if no one reads was very therapeutic to GET IT OUT! 
OH yeah, one last thing...they say if you find feathers...that it's someone's spirit you were close to...letting you know they're still here for you. today i found 2 feathers. well, sam found one and i found the other. but i think we know who they're from and who they were meant for.
it's one thing to lose your parents. i mean, not that you WANT that to happen...right?! but when you lose your brother...sister...the ones that knew you the longest...of anyone else on earth. THAT sucks! i've never been good at all the 'family' stuff. the get-togethers. holidays. i always felt uncomfortable. like an outsider. like i didn't belong. i spent such a huge part of my life molding myself into what i thought i had to a sponge. i thought my purpose was to BE loved...and i would do anything to make someone happy. to love me. for that huge part of my life...i didn't know who i was. i'm still learning. i'm still a little confused. OH, and  i may not say it enough, but i need to thank sam MORE than i do...for putting up with my depressing mood swings...for TRULY understanding what i'm going through...and for trying to make my life happier. you do. i love you. 
so i think i'll switch over to my soothing...peaceful tracks now and go for a leisurely ride...

Our brothers and sisters are there with us 
from the dawn of our personal stories 
to the inevitable dusk.



  1. Sending hugs and peaceful thoughts your way. Feel better soon!

  2. thanks for the hugs & peaceful thoughts terica. i know i'm not the ONLY one going through this kind of thing...but, for me, it sure does help to write it down...even if noone reads it....i'm glad you did! thanks!

  3. *Hugs*Hugs*Hugs* Laura!!! It does help to get it out and I'm glad that you have someone like Sam to hold you down, when you can't do it for yourself... I love you for being open enough to share this...

  4. thanks val!! for taking the time read...and for letting me know you did! you're the ONLY one of TWO 'friends' who has...and THAT's a little of the problems (i think) with that people say they're your 'friend'...but are they really?? to some people it's just a number...thanks so much Val!!!!!!!! for your understanding...and HUGS!

  5. Sam better know he is a pretty lucky SOB to have found someone so cool that will put up with HIM!

  6. thanks joanne...but i think it's the other way around...well, someathetime... :)

  7. BIG HUGS!!!!!! I Love you Aunt Laura, and i want you to know that if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have learned to love me!!!! You helped me feel like i had a place in the world when i felt like no one else would accept me. Especially when home felt like the strangest and most unwelcoming of all places.
    I am glad you are feeling better, and its okay to be angry about the things that happened in our family and you are not alone in your anger.I am always here for you, just as you have always been there for me!!!!
    And i Love you with all of my heart!!
    Your Loving Niece

  8. sara thanks so much for reading...understanding...and being in my life! i love you too! what you say i have done for have done the same for me...your whole life... :)

  9. Dont mind those people that are not true to you..They cant help you..ignore them!!Sometimes people just say they are your friend if they needs yo..But if not the hell they care whats goin with your life..That really suck..True Friends Are really hard to find.

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  10. The first thing I wanna say is this is the first blog I've read on this site. The word adoption caught my attention because I was adopted at age six and it was the worst 10 yrs of my life. I thought this blog was centered around adoption and I was caught by surprise that it was about family & death. As I read your blog, I didn't know it because I didn't feel it at first but, tears came to my eyes and my stomache in knots. I've never read anything on the internet that ever made me feel this way or even made me emotional as this. It just made me feel bad that such a seemingly genuine person could go thru something like that and it happens all the time. I guess all I can say to you after everything you've gone thru is, what doesn't break you only makes you stronger. I'm glad you've found peace & you have someone to share it with.
    Yours Truly
    Audrey H.


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