scattered saturday morning thoughts

wow. it's september already. and it's almost half over!

we're slithering toward my favorite holiday...

and favorite time of year.

halloween...fall...autumn...winter.

shorter days. cooler temp's. bare trees against a blue sky.

 green leaves turning to shades of fire...

crunching under foot.

time to reflect. to think about those that have passed on. honoring them.

their spirits. souls. everything is connected.
the dying off...preparing for the life of spring...new growth. birth.

People are like stained glass windows, 

they sparkle and shine when the sun is out,
but when darkness sets in, 
their true beauty is only seen if there is a light within.
~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

the beginning of this month was the 3rd year anniv since my brother Andy passed away.

we were close. both adopted. never feeling like we 'fit in'.
never feeling loved.

he was two yrs younger.  he was my life line.

i could tell him anything!  no worries about being judged...

being called stupid...or feeling guilty or ashamed.
i could tell him everything. and i did.

i'm from NY.  was raised there. 

in my early 20's, wanting to get as far away from home as i could,
i headed west...to california. lived there for about 15 years. 

but once a New Yorker...always a NYer.  it's in my heart and soul.

Andy never left. he stayed in the city...until he lost his job...
and eventually...everything.
he came to florida with only the clothes on his back and his 2 cats (lucy & ethel!).

andy died seven months later...of a rare & aggressive gastric cancer.

and so...september's a tough month. not only Andy's death...

but the death of hundreds...of innocents. thousands of lives thrown into turmoil.

devastation. a horrendous and unimaginable experience.

just thinking about how i felt that morning...
makes my hairs stand straight up...my eyes tear up.

driving to my first massage appointment of the day...listening to the radio...

when suddenly 'Breaking News' cuts the song short.

 what was thought to be an accident...

turned into the most frightening day anyone could have ever imagined.

i tried calling my brother. over and over. but the lines were jammed.

i remember pulling over to the side of the road. in shock. crying.

and then after pulling myself together, continued on to my client's house.

he didn't have any idea. he hadn't turned on the tv or radio.

so he did then...and we watched in horror...as the streets of NY

looked like a city at war. and it was. under attack.

people screaming. running for their lives. blood. smoke. fear.

crumbling buildings. people jumping to their death. confusion. panic.
and people helping each other.

police...firefighters...medical workers...dedicating themselves to save...
and bring calm to all the frightened new yorkers. 
people who were on their way to work...

on their way home after working all night...taking their kids to school or to day care...
just doing what they do every day...

unsuspecting as to how their lives would forever be changed...in just a few minutes.

we ALL know what we were doing on sept. 11th, 2001 at 8:46 am.

chances are...either you, or someone you know...

was faced with personal tragedy that day...in NY...at the Pentagon...or in PA.

people came together...helping each other...

like it should be ALL the time, not just brought about by tragedy.

it might be time for me to pick up & move on...but i don't have to forget.
~~~
so...i've been hiding. subdued. a little gloomy. a little keeping to myself.
but i'm peeking out...and tomorrow morn i plan to start doing 'catch up' on blog reading.
it's not like i haven't been doing ANYTHING! i just hadn't felt like 'talking'.

i've been working...and still making lots of changes to my online shop.
in fact...i've been pretty creative while hiding in my cave!
i also decided to open an 'etsy' shop again...but ONLY for my BONE art!
nothing is there yet...only the banner i made.

have a safe journey.  enjoy the ride.
laura

I went to the woods because i wished to live deliberately,

to front only the essential facts of life,

and see if I could not learn what it had to teach,

and not, when i came to die, discover that I had not lived.

~Henry David Thoreau

another...mental health day

...my mother used to say "what's bothering you laura? i know something's wrong because i haven't heard from you."

she was right. when i get depressed...i stay away.  keep to myself.  get quiet.
i go through the days...not really thinking about what i'm doing.  just doing what i do...
same old thing.  routines.

don't wanna check my email.  don't wanna get on FB.  don't feel like talking to anyone.
everything is a CHORE.

no motivation.  no creativity.  just B L A H.

halloween is just around the corner.  i should be excited. i love halloween.
we even got a pumpkin last weekend...and it still sits on the table.
untouched. well, except for the spiders...

so, why am i feeling so down?  

i've been thinking alot...way too much...about my mom...dad...sister and brother.  

my losses.  my life.

Sometimes our hearts get tangled

And our souls a little off-kilter...

~Sera Christann 

coming into this world...unwanted.

adopted...by a couple who adopted privately because (one of them...my mother for sure) couldn't pass the psychological testing to adopt through an agency.

three years later they adopted again...a boy...and then my mom got pregnant with my sister. andy and sally were eight months apart.

i grew up feeling like i didn't fit in.  like i didn't belong.  like an outsider.

not a warm hug...or an 'i love you' from either parent.  ever.

i never even saw them kiss each other...or hug...or hold hands.

....ok....enough....let me get to the point.  i never 'liked' my mother. it wasn't until i was in my 30's that i began to understand her...her 'psycho' ways.  i began to tolerate her...i forgave her.  but then she passed away from complications of diabetes in '89.  (i was....36)  hmmmmm...mixed feelings.  relief.  sadness.

i had always been closer to my father.  but when he moved out when i was 9...i felt abandoned again. i wanted to go live with him...but my mom wouldn't allow it.  i started running away from home at 12...and never went back.  running farther and farther away...i left NY...moved to FL...and then to CA...where i lived for 15 years...

before moving back to florida.

when i was 16...my father moved back into the house with my mom.  they lived like room mates. in separate bedrooms.  always rolling their eyes behind each other's back. no love.

sally & andy were still living at home, but couldn't wait til the day they could move out!

the 3 of us were pretty close. but i had always been much closer to andy. we were like the black sheep of the family. i was the wild and crazy one. andy was gay. we were the adopted ones. if i ever needed someone to talk to...it was andy i'd call.  he was the ONLY one who knew my innermost thoughts. i had never been able to let anyone get inside my head...like andy could.  i could tell him anything. 

To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. 

We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. 

We share private family jokes. 

We remember family feuds and secrets,  family griefs and joys.

We live outside the touch of time.

anyway...'01...my dad passed away...prostate cancer that had spread 

through his entire body.

THAT hit hard. i loved my father. and it hurt...deep...to watch him fade away. to see the cancer turn him into this BODY that could no longer walk or speak...

i still have that haunting memory...that last day of his life...when he was trying to reach out to me...trying to speak...i could make out that 'V' sound.  he was trying to say 'i love you'. finally.  i always knew he did. he just couldn't get those words to ever cross his lips...not until then.  how sad.

  

sally & i became much closer after she became a mother. (my youngest son was five when sally had her first daughter). we continued to grow closer after both mom and dad were gone...the 3 of us held on a little tighter to one another.

about 2002, sally found out she had breast cancer.  had a mastectomy.  radiation.  chemo.  reconstruction surgery.

five years later after 'not feeling well'...knowing that there was something 'not right' going on in her head...it was discovered she had brain tumors. she had the biggest one removed. it was the SAME cancer as her breast cancer. spread throughout her entire body. 

she passed away in '07.  i was truly lost. in shock. how could this be? she didn't deserve this. she had 3 young girls.

i told andy i was never going through this again. 

i told him that i was going to be the next to go. i had to be.  this was just too much to deal with.

but he didn't listen.  close to a year and a half after sally's death,

andy was diagnosed with gastric cancer. it was a very aggressive strain of cancer.  

within 3 months he was gone.  that was september  of  '08.

and so...here i am.  thinking too much, as usual.  dwelling...on things i can't change. 

people don't really understand.  the pain i still carry around.  i should be over it all by now.

shouldn't i?  no one likes to hear me talk about 'them'...

but i'm not. over it.  so...what can i do...to 'move on...

if i go to a therapist...which i did after my dad passed away...they tell me i am clinically drepressed...have always been depressed...i need to take anti-depressants. i did.  for a couple of years. then i weaned myself off of them.

i know that the souls...spirits...of those that have passed on...are all around us.

i've seen...and felt the presence...of my dad, sally & andy. 

SO...i've decided to see a 'medium'. 

when i attended the Reiki class a few weeks ago...the guy who runs that massage clinic...is good friends with this woman who's a medium. 

she runs the "International Foundation for Spiritual Knowledge".  

i made an appointment. 

she'll be in town here...running a couple of workshops...in november.  

i have a meeting with her on november 13th.  for a private reading...session.

she is a spiritual person who can help me get through...or guide me through the connections with those i have loved...and lost.  i hope to leave there feeling more content...as though there has been some closure...so that i don't find myself feeling abandoned...guilty...flooded with overwhelming loss...every few months.

shortly after i started this blog...on july 7th, i did a post  similar to this one:  my mental health day...

july 23rd was my sister's birthday.  july 28th, my dad's. hence - that july post.

november 19th would be my brother's.

so...here i go again.   my therapy...writing.

whether anyones reads this or not...doesn't matter.   i'm doing it for me.

i just need to let it out.   face it...confront it...deal with it.

Sadness is but a wall between two gardens. 

~Kahlil Gibran

i'll go outside now...and slowly let nature in...let it eat at  the wall i've put around me...

making little holes where the light can start to shine through...

and then little by little...crumble away...

I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order.  

~John Burroughs 

stay cool - take care - laura

ps - friday late afternoon we're heading over to go camping at Lake Lochloosa...do some fishing...relaxing...friday and saturday night.  maybe this'll be a good thing...and i'll get some pictures...

my mental health day...

ipod in my ears. doing laps on my bike, trying to rid myself of this damn flu bug and sadness i've had for the past few days. i never used to get sick. i could go for years without ever taking a sick day. lately i think it has to do with my stress level. stress high = lowered immune system = time to make tea, take xtra vitamins and  drink that therau-flu. and so i push myself...riding hard...to metallica, korn, seether, tool. i like when staind comes on cause their songs can be a little depressing and that fits my mood. i can play the song 'cancer' by my chemical romance over and over...making my self cry...over and over. only to be soothed by  deuter or sigur ros...but it doesn't last. i don't want to be soothed right now. i don't wanna calm down. i want to YELL! scream! but instead i turn the volume UP...switch to just the hard rock...and push on... it's july. my dad's birthday was in july. so was my sister's. dad passed away in '01 (prostate cancer). luckily he passed away a few months before 9-11, cause THAT would've killed him for sure. with my dad on his death bed...not  able to speak anymore...but still aware during moments of lucidity that crept around the edges of the morphine...he tried to reach out for me and i could hear that 'V' sound trying to form from somewhere deep in him...i could see his lips trying to form the word...love. he was finally trying to say 'i love you'. i'd never heard that before. not from him. it was an image that has never left me. even to this day. it makes me cry. my sister sally and i used to talk alot about dad after he passed away. how sad we thought his life was. his wife, our lunatic mother, had passed away a number of years earlier and although dad did miss her, at least he was finally able to be himself. after dad passed away, i heard 'stories' about dad wanting a divorce and mom telling him NO, that if he tried to divorce her she'd take the three kids and kill herself and them. and so, my entire childhood i never witnessed a hug...kiss...hand holding...not ONE gesture of affection between my parents. getting back to sally. we used to talk about our lives. our mistakes. what we love and what we hate. we were very different people...but we understood our differences and we were always there for each other. through all the rough times with my 2 sons...drugs, jail, rehab...she never left my side. even though my brother-in-law had told sally to stop sending birthday cards to my 2 boys...i guess he didn't want his wife to have anything to do with her fucked up sister's family. sally told me she just couldn't do that! she was too caring...forgiving. and  i feel like i was always there for sally too...whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on...or lean on...or someone she could say anything to...without any judgement...i was just a phone call away. sally was the youngest of the 3 kids. 3 years younger than me. our brother andy was 2 years younger than me. in 2007 sally lost her battle to breast cancer. i was living 2 1/2  hours away...cancelled all my appointments until further notice...and went to sally's...to help her and her family...with cleaning, cooking, anything they might need help with! when sally was moved from home to hospice, we knew the end was near. i was trying to stay strong, but it was tough. sally had 3 young girls...she was my little sister...i was always the wild, crazy one...why did this have to be happening?! so i called sally's good friend who lived across the country...and our brother andy...and told them they better get there quick if they wanted to see sally before she passed away. when andy  arrived...my brother-in-law and middle niece got these screwed up looks on their faces and said "who called uncle andy? who told him to come?" > like they didn't know it was ME? i said "i did! he's our brother!"  it's funny the things that stick in your head. i wish i could get around it, but i can't. so there we were... andy and i were the only ones left of our immediate family. of everyone, andy and i were the closest. we were like the black sheep of the family. we stuck together. i told him "you better not fucking die cause i'm not going through this shit again! if anyone goes next, it's ME goddamnit!!" he didn't listen very well. the following year, in '07 he moved from NY to FL, with literally nothing but the clothes on his back and his 2 cats. he moved in with sam and i...a few months go by...he got a job...his own apartment...but he's not feeling well. anemic. bleeding inside. had to have transfusions. tests. more tests. the Drs thought maybe stomach ulcers. more tests. they're good at that! guessing and testing!! nope, not ulcers.  gastric cancer. a very aggressive cancer. from the first oncologist visit which i took him to...til he passed away in the hospital...was under a month. fuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!! what's going on? sure we had a pretty fucked up family...dysfunctional to the point of hilarious...but they're dropping like flies all around me! what did i do to deserve this?! hey you're probably thinking, shit, girl, you better be careful yourself...sounds like you have a family history of cancer.well,  i was adopted. so was andy. > maybe it was something in the water?

anyway...i feel better now. even if no one reads this...it was very therapeutic to GET IT OUT! 

OH yeah, one last thing...they say if you find feathers...that it's someone's spirit you were close to...letting you know they're still here for you. today i found 2 feathers. well, sam found one and i found the other. but i think we know who they're from and who they were meant for.

it's one thing to lose your parents. i mean, not that you WANT that to happen...right?! but when you lose your brother...sister...the ones that knew you the longest...of anyone else on earth. THAT sucks! i've never been good at all the 'family' stuff. the get-togethers. holidays. i always felt uncomfortable. like an outsider. like i didn't belong. i spent such a huge part of my life molding myself into what i thought i had to be...like a sponge. i thought my purpose was to BE loved...and i would do anything to make someone happy. to love me. for that huge part of my life...i didn't know who i was. i'm still learning. i'm still a little confused. OH, and  i may not say it enough, but i need to thank sam MORE than i do...for putting up with my depressing mood swings...for TRULY understanding what i'm going through...and for trying to make my life happier. you do. i love you. 

so i think i'll switch over to my soothing...peaceful tracks now and go for a leisurely ride...

Our brothers and sisters are there with us 

from the dawn of our personal stories 

to the inevitable dusk.

laura