Wednesday, October 27, 2010

another...mental health day mother used to say "what's bothering you laura? i know something's wrong because i haven't heard from you."

she was right. when i get depressed...i stay away.  keep to myself.  get quiet.
i go through the days...not really thinking about what i'm doing.  just doing what i do...
same old thing.  routines.

don't wanna check my email.  don't wanna get on FB.  don't feel like talking to anyone.
everything is a CHORE.

no motivation.  no creativity.  just B L A H.

halloween is just around the corner.  i should be excited. i love halloween.
we even got a pumpkin last weekend...and it still sits on the table.
untouched. well, except for the spiders...

so, why am i feeling so down?  
i've been thinking alot...way too much...about my and brother.  
my losses.  my life.

Sometimes our hearts get tangled
And our souls a little off-kilter...
~Sera Christann 

coming into this world...unwanted. a couple who adopted privately because (one of mother for sure) couldn't pass the psychological testing to adopt through an agency.

three years later they adopted again...a boy...and then my mom got pregnant with my sister. andy and sally were eight months apart.

i grew up feeling like i didn't fit in.  like i didn't belong.  like an outsider.
not a warm hug...or an 'i love you' from either parent.  ever.

i never even saw them kiss each other...or hug...or hold hands.

....ok....enough....let me get to the point.  i never 'liked' my mother. it wasn't until i was in my 30's that i began to understand her...her 'psycho' ways.  i began to tolerate her...i forgave her.  but then she passed away from complications of diabetes in '89.  (i was....36)  hmmmmm...mixed feelings.  relief.  sadness.

i had always been closer to my father.  but when he moved out when i was 9...i felt abandoned again. i wanted to go live with him...but my mom wouldn't allow it.  i started running away from home at 12...and never went back.  running farther and farther away...i left NY...moved to FL...and then to CA...where i lived for 15 years...
before moving back to florida.

when i was father moved back into the house with my mom.  they lived like room mates. in separate bedrooms.  always rolling their eyes behind each other's back. no love.
sally & andy were still living at home, but couldn't wait til the day they could move out!

the 3 of us were pretty close. but i had always been much closer to andy. we were like the black sheep of the family. i was the wild and crazy one. andy was gay. we were the adopted ones. if i ever needed someone to talk was andy i'd call.  he was the ONLY one who knew my innermost thoughts. i had never been able to let anyone get inside my andy could.  i could tell him anything. 
To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. 
We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. 
We share private family jokes. 
We remember family feuds and secrets,  family griefs and joys.
We live outside the touch of time.

anyway...' dad passed away...prostate cancer that had spread 
through his entire body.
THAT hit hard. i loved my father. and it watch him fade away. to see the cancer turn him into this BODY that could no longer walk or speak...
i still have that haunting memory...that last day of his life...when he was trying to reach out to me...trying to speak...i could make out that 'V' sound.  he was trying to say 'i love you'. finally.  i always knew he did. he just couldn't get those words to ever cross his lips...not until then.  how sad.
sally & i became much closer after she became a mother. (my youngest son was five when sally had her first daughter). we continued to grow closer after both mom and dad were gone...the 3 of us held on a little tighter to one another.

about 2002, sally found out she had breast cancer.  had a mastectomy.  radiation.  chemo.  reconstruction surgery.
five years later after 'not feeling well'...knowing that there was something 'not right' going on in her was discovered she had brain tumors. she had the biggest one removed. it was the SAME cancer as her breast cancer. spread throughout her entire body. 
she passed away in '07.  i was truly lost. in shock. how could this be? she didn't deserve this. she had 3 young girls.

i told andy i was never going through this again. 
i told him that i was going to be the next to go. i had to be.  this was just too much to deal with.

but he didn't listen.  close to a year and a half after sally's death,
andy was diagnosed with gastric cancer. it was a very aggressive strain of cancer.  
within 3 months he was gone.  that was september  of  '08.

and i am.  thinking too much, as usual.  dwelling...on things i can't change. 
people don't really understand.  the pain i still carry around.  i should be over it all by now.
shouldn't i?  no one likes to hear me talk about 'them'...

but i'm not. over it.  so...what can i 'move on...
if i go to a therapist...which i did after my dad passed away...they tell me i am clinically drepressed...have always been depressed...i need to take anti-depressants. i did.  for a couple of years. then i weaned myself off of them.

i know that the souls...spirits...of those that have passed on...are all around us.
i've seen...and felt the presence...of my dad, sally & andy. 

SO...i've decided to see a 'medium'. 
when i attended the Reiki class a few weeks ago...the guy who runs that massage good friends with this woman who's a medium. 
i made an appointment. 
she'll be in town here...running a couple of november.  
i have a meeting with her on november 13th.  for a private reading...session.

she is a spiritual person who can help me get through...or guide me through the connections with those i have loved...and lost.  i hope to leave there feeling more though there has been some that i don't find myself feeling abandoned...guilty...flooded with overwhelming loss...every few months.

shortly after i started this blog...on july 7th, i did a post  similar to this one:  my mental health day...

july 23rd was my sister's birthday.  july 28th, my dad's. hence - that july post.
november 19th would be my brother's. i go again.   my therapy...writing.
whether anyones reads this or not...doesn't matter.   i'm doing it for me.
i just need to let it out.   face it...confront with it.

Sadness is but a wall between two gardens. 
~Kahlil Gibran

i'll go outside now...and slowly let nature in...let it eat at  the wall i've put around me...
making little holes where the light can start to shine through...
and then little by little...crumble away...
I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order.  
~John Burroughs 

stay cool - take care - laura

ps - friday late afternoon we're heading over to go camping at Lake some fishing...relaxing...friday and saturday night.  maybe this'll be a good thing...and i'll get some pictures...


  1. Laura, I pray that you can feel the peace that you are looking for. I can only imagine what you have been through, but I do know the pain of losing a father that you were close to and having a mother that you have never liked. ~ May God Bless You!

  2. you know that you and I share many of the same feelings. I know that we also have different paths in life and in Faith, but I am Happy that my own brother is your soulmate (we honestly thought he'd never settle down). Try to find your blessings in life, there are many. God created the nature you love, and find peace in, and He made it to comfort YOU. As surely as He made you, and loves you, and wants you to be happy. Life IS tough, but do-able. Feel the love we have for you.

  3. Laura, I read your post over 2 hours ago-and couldn't get you off my mind. And, of course, you don't know me, so it's hard to give you advice. I lost my dad to prostate cancer too, and I loved him very much. And like you said, it was painful to watch him suffer like that. And I lost my younger brother 3 years ago-he just died-all of a sudden! He may have known something and chose not to tell us. So, I can say to you, I understand, even tho I believe your tragedy is more intense than mine. Just know that there are plenty of us out there praying for you and anxious to see more bugs and bones! And we're patient, we'll wait and we'll keep checking back.

  4. Wow, so many losses in such a short time. I hope you find the peace and conection you are looking for. I am glad nature helps.

  5. Oh Laura. My heart aches for you. I hope the medium brings you the inner peace you are searching for. I don't think you ever have to "get over" tragedies, we just grow around them making them part of us, like a tree confronted with an obstacle that perhaps becomes distorted a bit (I'm sure you have a perfect example of this in a picture taken on your nature walks), and then adapts in its own unique way so it can keep on growing. I know you're not looking for sympathy because putting it all out there is something we need to do to continue to grow around the obstacle, but I am thinking of you and sending thoughts of peace and contentment your way.

  6. There is a light that shines beyond all things on Earth, beyond us all, beyond the heavens, beyond the highest, the very highest heavens.
    This is the light that shines in our heart.

    Oh Laura,
    So much pain, it makes me cry for you.
    Listen to your heart. It will guide you. Peace and understanding is within you just know you always have the strength to continue to search for it.
    Even thought i don't know you, I can tell you are a wonderful person full of love, just by your blog. God bless you and may he keep you in his arms.

  7. Sending you warm and kindly wishes, Laura. Be kind to yourself and, from what you've said in many of your posts, you have a good man by your side - so lean on him now.

  8. Hey, We are always out here listening in bloggy world! I'm so sorry you have experience so much loss :-(

  9. Laura, my friend, you know for the short time we've talked we have a lot in common...including withdrawing. However, we have both peace and solace in the things given to us in nature...a break from all the pain...:)JP

  10. Laura, that quote from John Burroughs makes a load of sense. Enjoy the restorative power of nature.

  11. Whenever I get a case of the blues I try and make friends with the feeling, let it run it's course, and hopefully, by the time it's over, I'll have learned something from it.
    Hope your mood has improved, Laura and that you find the answers that you're looking for.

  12. Dear Laura, you are such an open mind and woman, you feel in the right way.
    The losts you had are very bad and i can understand your hurts very well.
    May be my words can help you a little bit.
    If you see in the death also a beginning of new spirituality it dont hurt so much and i am shure you will find a way to come over your depressions, you love nature and this always helps you.....
    Its hard i know, but ffor me it was the best way to come through....
    wish you a very happy Samhain
    and forgive my englisch is not so good.
    blessed be

  13. Laura, I hope your camping weekend lifts you up. It's not the falling down that traps us, it's the staying down. You are not alone. ~stacey

  14. I came across your blog from another. This post was something to read. I can't believe your losses. It seems to me that you are strong, a fighter. I lost my father to lung cancer and I know what you mean about watching them wither away.

    I do hope you find that peace and keep moving forward.

  15. thankyou EVERYONE for your words of support...comfort...and understanding.

    i KNOW i'm not the ONLY one who feels this way...who has had losses...and, honestly...i felt BAD afterwards...kind of like i was being a 'whiner'...complaining and tossing my problems 'out there' for all to read. BUT...what's this 'blogger world' for...if not to express any way we feel the moment.

    anyway...i REALLY appreciate everyone who stopped their thoughts...whether here in writing...or keeping silent and sending mental messages. i received them all and i am so grateful!

    thank you. NOW...a new day...a new post... :]

  16. I found your site from Blogs of Note. I love it. I’m going to poke around a little bit, but don’t worry I’ll put everything back where I found it!!

  17. I wish you the best healing you can a long time sufferer from clinical depression, I have some idea what ypu're going through. Love from Australia xoxo

  18. Thinking about lost loved ones brings both joy and pain. Sometimes the pain can be overwhelming. I hope your walk outside was healing. Sending you hugs.

  19. And I thought I was having a rough time. That many losses so close together has got to be very tough. I think you handled the counseling situation correctly when you dropped the meds and turned back to nature. I always find that the sunshine makes me feel so much better. And it's free!

    There is no set time for grieving. You may always feel sad around those dates. You miss them, and there's nothing wrong with that.

    I find myself falling apart at the end of each month around when I lost my mom. I think well, that's silly. It's been two months. But that's not a lot of time when you think about it. I just wish it wouldn't sneak up on me.

    The description of your parents hit home. My mom was never very loving to my father either. However, they did kiss a couple of times when mom was in the hospital. And my dad and I were each holding one of mom's hands when she passed. I just remember observing that and thinking how much time my mom wasted pushing my dad away. He loved her very much. She would have blossomed if she had only let his affection in. Sad really. However, I have vowed never to shut out my husband. Affection is a blessing and I will take all I can get.

    I am hoping you are feeling better. And that you find the answers your are looking for on the 13th. Remember, it's OK to be sad. As long as you come back out of it, then there's nothing wrong with taking some down time and grieving for the ones you've lost.

  20. Kate, Smithy, bunnits and VM Sehy Photo.

    thanks for taking the time to leave your thoughts...every one of us has probably lost someone....and i know i'm not the only one. we each have our own way of dealing...

    i read each comment...and some bring tears to my eyes...i appreciate all the support and encouragement!! THANK YOU!!


thanks for stopping by! it's always nice to hear from fellow wanderers!