she was right. when i get depressed...i stay away. keep to myself. get quiet.
i go through the days...not really thinking about what i'm doing. just doing what i do...
same old thing. routines.
don't wanna check my email. don't wanna get on FB. don't feel like talking to anyone.
everything is a CHORE.
no motivation. no creativity. just B L A H.
halloween is just around the corner. i should be excited. i love halloween.
we even got a pumpkin last weekend...and it still sits on the table.
untouched. well, except for the spiders...
so, why am i feeling so down?
i've been thinking alot...way too much...about my mom...dad...sister and brother.
my losses. my life.
Sometimes our hearts get tangled
And our souls a little off-kilter...
coming into this world...unwanted.
adopted...by a couple who adopted privately because (one of them...my mother for sure) couldn't pass the psychological testing to adopt through an agency.
three years later they adopted again...a boy...and then my mom got pregnant with my sister. andy and sally were eight months apart.
i grew up feeling like i didn't fit in. like i didn't belong. like an outsider.
not a warm hug...or an 'i love you' from either parent. ever.
i never even saw them kiss each other...or hug...or hold hands.
....ok....enough....let me get to the point. i never 'liked' my mother. it wasn't until i was in my 30's that i began to understand her...her 'psycho' ways. i began to tolerate her...i forgave her. but then she passed away from complications of diabetes in '89. (i was....36) hmmmmm...mixed feelings. relief. sadness.
i had always been closer to my father. but when he moved out when i was 9...i felt abandoned again. i wanted to go live with him...but my mom wouldn't allow it. i started running away from home at 12...and never went back. running farther and farther away...i left NY...moved to FL...and then to CA...where i lived for 15 years...
before moving back to florida.
when i was 16...my father moved back into the house with my mom. they lived like room mates. in separate bedrooms. always rolling their eyes behind each other's back. no love.
sally & andy were still living at home, but couldn't wait til the day they could move out!
the 3 of us were pretty close. but i had always been much closer to andy. we were like the black sheep of the family. i was the wild and crazy one. andy was gay. we were the adopted ones. if i ever needed someone to talk to...it was andy i'd call. he was the ONLY one who knew my innermost thoughts. i had never been able to let anyone get inside my head...like andy could. i could tell him anything.
To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters.
We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts.
We share private family jokes.
We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.
We live outside the touch of time.
anyway...'01...my dad passed away...prostate cancer that had spread
through his entire body.
THAT hit hard. i loved my father. and it hurt...deep...to watch him fade away. to see the cancer turn him into this BODY that could no longer walk or speak...
i still have that haunting memory...that last day of his life...when he was trying to reach out to me...trying to speak...i could make out that 'V' sound. he was trying to say 'i love you'. finally. i always knew he did. he just couldn't get those words to ever cross his lips...not until then. how sad.
sally & i became much closer after she became a mother. (my youngest son was five when sally had her first daughter). we continued to grow closer after both mom and dad were gone...the 3 of us held on a little tighter to one another.
about 2002, sally found out she had breast cancer. had a mastectomy. radiation. chemo. reconstruction surgery.
five years later after 'not feeling well'...knowing that there was something 'not right' going on in her head...it was discovered she had brain tumors. she had the biggest one removed. it was the SAME cancer as her breast cancer. spread throughout her entire body.
she passed away in '07. i was truly lost. in shock. how could this be? she didn't deserve this. she had 3 young girls.
i told andy i was never going through this again.
i told him that i was going to be the next to go. i had to be. this was just too much to deal with.
but he didn't listen. close to a year and a half after sally's death,
andy was diagnosed with gastric cancer. it was a very aggressive strain of cancer.
within 3 months he was gone. that was september of '08.
and so...here i am. thinking too much, as usual. dwelling...on things i can't change.
people don't really understand. the pain i still carry around. i should be over it all by now.
shouldn't i? no one likes to hear me talk about 'them'...
but i'm not. over it. so...what can i do...to 'move on...
if i go to a therapist...which i did after my dad passed away...they tell me i am clinically drepressed...have always been depressed...i need to take anti-depressants. i did. for a couple of years. then i weaned myself off of them.
i know that the souls...spirits...of those that have passed on...are all around us.
i've seen...and felt the presence...of my dad, sally & andy.
SO...i've decided to see a 'medium'.
when i attended the Reiki class a few weeks ago...the guy who runs that massage clinic...is good friends with this woman who's a medium.
she runs the "International Foundation for Spiritual Knowledge".
i made an appointment.
she'll be in town here...running a couple of workshops...in november.
i have a meeting with her on november 13th. for a private reading...session.
she is a spiritual person who can help me get through...or guide me through the connections with those i have loved...and lost. i hope to leave there feeling more content...as though there has been some closure...so that i don't find myself feeling abandoned...guilty...flooded with overwhelming loss...every few months.
shortly after i started this blog...on july 7th, i did a post similar to this one: my mental health day...
july 23rd was my sister's birthday. july 28th, my dad's. hence - that july post.
november 19th would be my brother's.
so...here i go again. my therapy...writing.
whether anyones reads this or not...doesn't matter. i'm doing it for me.
i just need to let it out. face it...confront it...deal with it.
Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.
i'll go outside now...and slowly let nature in...let it eat at the wall i've put around me...
making little holes where the light can start to shine through...
and then little by little...crumble away...
I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order.
stay cool - take care - laura
ps - friday late afternoon we're heading over to go camping at Lake Lochloosa...do some fishing...relaxing...friday and saturday night. maybe this'll be a good thing...and i'll get some pictures...