celebrating milo...

milo

passed away yesterday, at home, at 11:15 am.

she LOVED 

to climb trees,

climb up to the roof and oversee everything,

eat potatoes (fried, baked, mashed...) and pizza crust,

curl up every evening in sam's lap (i had to sometimes bribe her for a piece of sam's lap myself),

go camping,

wander in the woods,

sit on the bathroom counter-top & stare out the window,

chase lizards, squirrels, burrowing moles...pretty much anything that moved!

she will still be doing all these things!

now, she's free...to go where ever & when ever she pleases!

“What greater gift than the love of a cat.”

~Charles Dickens

milo was like a dog.

she would come when you called her name.

she would follow us around the trails.

she was our furry baby.

an 80 something year old baby...in cat years!

milo had a long & happy life!!

she will be missed.

we wrapped her up in towels,

with two turkey feathers she used to like to play with...

and her favorite little catnip toy.

we buried her out back...just before sunset.

milo's sunset

i made a marker, using my woodburning tool.

we lit a candle.

this one's for you milo.

RIP milo.

thanks for stopping by...

thanks for all your kind words & thoughts.

laura  (and sam too!)

Prowling his own quiet backyard or asleep by the fire, 

he is still only a whisker away from the wilds.  

~Jean Burden

what day is it?

oh yeah.

it's the 19th of august.

i have lived 21,550 days.

wow. how time flies.

i honestly never thought i'd make it this far.

i've outlived both parents (which is how it's supposed to be)...

but i've also outlived my younger brother and sister.

me.

yeah, this post is ALL about me.

things i like. love. and things i don't like so much.

i was born in south carolina.

adopted.
((searched for my birth mother & found her when i was 18. that's another story for another time.))

i was raised in NY.
started running away from home at 12, moved out for good...at 15...

when i got my first job, working in an art store near grand central station (NYC).

assorted jobs since then...including my own screen printing business.

went back to school in my 40's...became a licensed massage therapist.

went on cross country road trips 2X...

the northern route from new york to california when i was about 18...

southern route from california to florida  in  1987.

i love to read.   and write.

years ago...i even made an attempt at writing a couple of children's books.

after LOTS of rejection 'form letters'... 

(although i did get a few nice personal letters of encouragement)...i gave up.

i have a lot of energy. it's hard for me to sit still. 

i always have too many projects going on at the same time.

when i see different ART forms or mediums or techniques...i want to try them all.

i care. a lot. about others. 

care a lot & you can get taken advantage of.

i've learned to say 'no', 'enough' over the years. well, not always.

i love a lot of things...but at the top of my list...

i love my sons.

  and sam.
(that beard, is braided under his shirt & goes all the way to his waist!)

  and milo.

i'd rather be anywhere else except florida...but if i never came here, i wouldn't have met sam. 

i have way too many collections.

maybe they're not all collections...just stuff i save. hang on to.

feathers. shells. rocks & stones.

fossils & artifacts.
(found) bones.

wolves. coins.
turtles. old books. (found) old glass bottles.

pens. insect wings. art/craft supplies.
trolls. boxes.

i think i'll stop there.

i like shades of purple.  spicy food, the spicier the better.

i tend to clean  when i'm upset.

i can slip into blue moods pretty easily.

i can be silly to the point of being obnoxious. so i'm told.

i'm a kid inside.

i'm out going and friendly. i don't like crowds. 

i get uncomfortable when i know i'll be in a 'social' situation with a group of people.
i'll just about hyperventilate beforehand...
forget to breathe...get light headed.

it's hard for me to get CLOSE to people.

i prefer the woods over the beach.
winter over summer.

i need to add some regular exercise into my daily routine.

after all, i'm 21,550 days old.

it was a sad day when i stopped being 'carded' to buy liquor...
at least it continued until i was in my early 30's.
it was an even sadder day when strangers started calling me 'Ma'am'.

i love being outside. nature. taking pictures.

bugs. spiderwebs. flowers. mushrooms. anything with dew.

waking before dawn.  the moon.  clouds.

twinkle lights.
halloween.

anchovies on pizza.
fruit pie, not cake.
i like (the natural) peanut butter, but it always seems to give me the hiccups.
mmmmm, cheese. onions. garlic. red peppers. jalapenos.
artichoke hearts.
give or take meat.  i could easily be a vegetarian,
but sam likes his meat & potatoes.

i talk in my sleep. a lot. have very vivid dreams.

aaah, a few scents i like lavender. jasmine. orange blossoms. eucalyptus. gardenias. 

coffee. newly mowed grass. amber. rain. the woods. the ocean.

i don't like getting dressed up & will avoid it at all costs.

jeans. t-shirts. that's me. sneakers, crocs, hiking boots & winter boots.
i'm NOT trendy, don't care about fashion.

i don't like to talk on the phone.
don't have a smart phone or ipad.
DO have an ipod and e-reader.
don't like when people litter.  litters are for dogs & cats.
i've never spent $$ on a matching set of furniture.
i'm thrifty. love to shop thrift stores.

wool makes me itch and turtle necks make me feel like i'm being strangled.
all cotton.  polyester makes me sweat.
don't like to have my picture taken.

i'm not into organized religion. i'm not political. 

i have a hard time dealing with people who are prejudiced...

people who hate because of race or ethnicity, religion, sexual preference.

i like mystical stuff. native american. celtic. tarot. crystals. candles. dream catchers.
tattoos (have 5). rock music. the sounds of birds, crickets, cicadas,
the bass guitar, wind chimes, waves crashing, the wooden flute, thunder, purring cats,
the bone rattling kick of nitro in the top fuel dragsters.

oh yeah, i saw a UFO once.  in hollywood, florida. looking to the sky. late night.
i spotted a V formation of tiny lights. just sitting. hovering.
and in a split second it was gone...appearing on the opposite side of the night sky.

usually sam & i go camping this week.

besides my B-day (59)...
our anniversary was the 16th (10 yrs together, 5 married)
and sam's B-day is the 21st (54).

but this year we're home. we have both my sons living with us.

travis is out of jail (after spending 7 months, we picked him up last saturday)

and justin, who turned 31 last week, split up with his girlfriend of 6 years.

it's a bit crowded, in our humble little home...
they're sharing the 2nd bedroom we have.

they are eating machines.
but at least they're working...concrete, stucco & stone...
and help out around the house...
like splitting wood, hauling dead downed trees...work for the young & strong!

justin snores so loud we can hear him in our bedroom with the door closed.

no wonder travis wakes up with a headache.

WELL,

i've made it this far.
i need to make it 'til the day i can retire.
downsize. live VERY frugally...in our truck camper.
hit the road.
with no destination in mind.

so, that's it.

i'll probably think   "oh yeah! i forgot to say..."   after i click on 'publish'.
there's always next year.

ONE MORE thing...
thank YOU for being a part of my life this past year...
for wandering & exploring by my side...
and for being there through my good times and down times!

i almost nixed this. felt like i was writing a personal ad or something.

anyway, have a nice week!


...i'm eager to begin my next 365 day journey under the moon and around the sun...

stay cool. be safe.

laura

just your typical 11.11.11 post. NOT!

ok...so i'm one of those ridiculous bloggers who's shaping today's post to fit the date.

11.11.11

ever since sam & i met...the number SIX shows itself all over the place.

we met on the 16th of august. (well, it has a 6 in it!)

my 'lucky' number has always been 16. (again...it has that 6 in it!)

it seems that more often than not, when we go camping,
we always end up in spot #6 or 16...or 26.

our address 7215...add the numbers together and you get 15.   1 + 5 = 6.

my 'lifepath' or 'birth path' number...add up my birthdate: 

8 + 19 + 1953: 8+10+18  then  8+1+9=18  then  1+8=9

well, turn that 9 upside down and what do you have? a six.  6.

ha, i know...that was a little far fetched.

OH, and guess what the temp outside is as i start this?!!

NO...not SIX degrees...but 42.  4+2=6.

this all leads me up to  today...
11 + 11 + 11.   each 11 is 1+1=2    so    2 + 2 +2 = SIX.

today is a good day.

today i thought i'd say a little about me.

just a few things with pictures mixed in that i took during the week.

let's start off with a 'family collage'.

i hope sam doesn't mind...but our picture has been on the sidebar forever...

so what's a few more.

also in this collage are my 2 sons, justin (30) & travis (27)...fairly recent pic's and older ones;

milo, of course; me (then & now); 

my brother andy (1955-2008); my sister sally (1956-2007); my dad (1917-2001).

(i have no pictures of me & my mom together)

let's talk music.

more specifically, the ipod. i have one...i bought it a few years ago...
and it's one of those things i NEVER regretted doling out the bucks for.
mine is a  4GB. i've added hundreds of songs, with room to spare.

i have 2 playlists on it. one is my 'every day' music and the other for work.

when i listen to my ipod i always mix the playlists together...

for a little R&R...Rock & Relaxation.  

so...let me turn this amazing invention on...
and list the first 11 songs that come up in no particular order.

1. Ænema.  by Tool

2. Annihilation.  by a Perfect Circle

3. What I've Done.  by Linkin Park

4. The Peace Within.  by Karunesh

5. December.  by Collective Soul

6. Sacred River.  by Gandalf

7. Ziricote.  by Coyote Oldman

8. Break My Fall.  by Breaking Benjamin

9. Andvari  by Sigur Rós

10. Disenchanted.  by My Chemical Romance

11. Until It Sleeps.  by Metallica

Florida Native - Rattlesnake Master

i like anchovies on my pizza.

i cut off the collars on some T-shirts. i feel suffocated, strangled.

i don't like turtlenecks.
when i get upset...i become a cleaning machine and/or i turn the music up louder than LOUD!

Indian Pipe fungi/Monotropa uniflora

i love to read. mysteries and all that 'new age' stuff. metaphysical.

i don't mind cooking, but i'm not a 'baker' and don't like to spend all day in the kitchen.

i don't care for cakes. i don't like icing. but i do like fruit pies. the tarter, the better! 

i don't like to fly. in airplanes. i DO like to fly in my dreams.
i like tattoos. i have a few. 
i don't like closed minds, prejudice...or people who PUSH religion on you.
i hate shopping. i don't like crowds.
i can be pretty goofy. so goofy it's scary.

Fence Lizard

i like shades of purple.  and earth tones.  and black.
i've never worn a pair of HIGH HEELS.
i don't like to get dressed up.  never have.
i don't wear make-up (except for maybe a touch of color on my lips now & then).
i pick a (random)  tarot card almost every morning. today's was the Hermit. #9.
very fitting really. 
in short- it's about letting go of the past. creating harmony & order in my life.

a pile o' tiny mushrooms growing on a dead tree

i'm NOT a picky eater...but i don't like raw oysters, 
and i won't touch a piece of meat unless it's well done! charred! cooked to a crisp!
i believe in ancient aliens. 
i saw a UFO (at night) when i was 20.  it was a V-shaped formation of lights that moved 
from one side of the sky to the other faster than the blink of an eye.

Long-tailed Skipper  feeding on Lantana flower

6  november  2011  at  5:33pm

OH...let's see...
not personal enough?  you want the nitty-gritty, eh?  ok...but this is it...

i was born in Columbia, South Carolina. the couple who adopted me took the train
down to SC and picked me up when i was a few weeks old. 
i never felt like i fit in. 
i hated family get-togethers. 
my mother was a wee bit psycho. 
my dad moved out when i was 9. i was crushed.
i started running away from home at 12 and never stopped. 
i moved out, on my own when i was 15.
i dropped out of high school, but got my GED a year or so later.
i spent a good part of my life...searching...wanting to be loved...
needing the attention but not knowing what to do when i got it.
molding myself into what i thought other people wanted me to be. 
i would sabotage relationships for fear of being abandoned...
or because i thought i wasn't worthy.
i searched for my birth mother when i was 20. within 3 months, i had located her.
although i was always outgoing & friendly...i couldn't let anyone get too close.


whew. well, THAT was just a little TOO serious. i'm starting to get depressed.
no...really...i've learned a lot about myself  over the past 15 years. i started to know me.
(15.  1+5=6.  there we go again!)

AAAaaaahhhhh. that's better. a little sunflower. to make me smile.

One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.  
~Friedrich Nietzsche 

so, where ever you are...
be safe. have a nice journey & enjoy the ride.

laura

scattered saturday morning thoughts

wow. it's september already. and it's almost half over!

we're slithering toward my favorite holiday...

and favorite time of year.

halloween...fall...autumn...winter.

shorter days. cooler temp's. bare trees against a blue sky.

 green leaves turning to shades of fire...

crunching under foot.

time to reflect. to think about those that have passed on. honoring them.

their spirits. souls. everything is connected.
the dying off...preparing for the life of spring...new growth. birth.

People are like stained glass windows, 

they sparkle and shine when the sun is out,
but when darkness sets in, 
their true beauty is only seen if there is a light within.
~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

the beginning of this month was the 3rd year anniv since my brother Andy passed away.

we were close. both adopted. never feeling like we 'fit in'.
never feeling loved.

he was two yrs younger.  he was my life line.

i could tell him anything!  no worries about being judged...

being called stupid...or feeling guilty or ashamed.
i could tell him everything. and i did.

i'm from NY.  was raised there. 

in my early 20's, wanting to get as far away from home as i could,
i headed west...to california. lived there for about 15 years. 

but once a New Yorker...always a NYer.  it's in my heart and soul.

Andy never left. he stayed in the city...until he lost his job...
and eventually...everything.
he came to florida with only the clothes on his back and his 2 cats (lucy & ethel!).

andy died seven months later...of a rare & aggressive gastric cancer.

and so...september's a tough month. not only Andy's death...

but the death of hundreds...of innocents. thousands of lives thrown into turmoil.

devastation. a horrendous and unimaginable experience.

just thinking about how i felt that morning...
makes my hairs stand straight up...my eyes tear up.

driving to my first massage appointment of the day...listening to the radio...

when suddenly 'Breaking News' cuts the song short.

 what was thought to be an accident...

turned into the most frightening day anyone could have ever imagined.

i tried calling my brother. over and over. but the lines were jammed.

i remember pulling over to the side of the road. in shock. crying.

and then after pulling myself together, continued on to my client's house.

he didn't have any idea. he hadn't turned on the tv or radio.

so he did then...and we watched in horror...as the streets of NY

looked like a city at war. and it was. under attack.

people screaming. running for their lives. blood. smoke. fear.

crumbling buildings. people jumping to their death. confusion. panic.
and people helping each other.

police...firefighters...medical workers...dedicating themselves to save...
and bring calm to all the frightened new yorkers. 
people who were on their way to work...

on their way home after working all night...taking their kids to school or to day care...
just doing what they do every day...

unsuspecting as to how their lives would forever be changed...in just a few minutes.

we ALL know what we were doing on sept. 11th, 2001 at 8:46 am.

chances are...either you, or someone you know...

was faced with personal tragedy that day...in NY...at the Pentagon...or in PA.

people came together...helping each other...

like it should be ALL the time, not just brought about by tragedy.

it might be time for me to pick up & move on...but i don't have to forget.
~~~
so...i've been hiding. subdued. a little gloomy. a little keeping to myself.
but i'm peeking out...and tomorrow morn i plan to start doing 'catch up' on blog reading.
it's not like i haven't been doing ANYTHING! i just hadn't felt like 'talking'.

i've been working...and still making lots of changes to my online shop.
in fact...i've been pretty creative while hiding in my cave!
i also decided to open an 'etsy' shop again...but ONLY for my BONE art!
nothing is there yet...only the banner i made.

have a safe journey.  enjoy the ride.
laura

I went to the woods because i wished to live deliberately,

to front only the essential facts of life,

and see if I could not learn what it had to teach,

and not, when i came to die, discover that I had not lived.

~Henry David Thoreau

another...mental health day

...my mother used to say "what's bothering you laura? i know something's wrong because i haven't heard from you."

she was right. when i get depressed...i stay away.  keep to myself.  get quiet.
i go through the days...not really thinking about what i'm doing.  just doing what i do...
same old thing.  routines.

don't wanna check my email.  don't wanna get on FB.  don't feel like talking to anyone.
everything is a CHORE.

no motivation.  no creativity.  just B L A H.

halloween is just around the corner.  i should be excited. i love halloween.
we even got a pumpkin last weekend...and it still sits on the table.
untouched. well, except for the spiders...

so, why am i feeling so down?  

i've been thinking alot...way too much...about my mom...dad...sister and brother.  

my losses.  my life.

Sometimes our hearts get tangled

And our souls a little off-kilter...

~Sera Christann 

coming into this world...unwanted.

adopted...by a couple who adopted privately because (one of them...my mother for sure) couldn't pass the psychological testing to adopt through an agency.

three years later they adopted again...a boy...and then my mom got pregnant with my sister. andy and sally were eight months apart.

i grew up feeling like i didn't fit in.  like i didn't belong.  like an outsider.

not a warm hug...or an 'i love you' from either parent.  ever.

i never even saw them kiss each other...or hug...or hold hands.

....ok....enough....let me get to the point.  i never 'liked' my mother. it wasn't until i was in my 30's that i began to understand her...her 'psycho' ways.  i began to tolerate her...i forgave her.  but then she passed away from complications of diabetes in '89.  (i was....36)  hmmmmm...mixed feelings.  relief.  sadness.

i had always been closer to my father.  but when he moved out when i was 9...i felt abandoned again. i wanted to go live with him...but my mom wouldn't allow it.  i started running away from home at 12...and never went back.  running farther and farther away...i left NY...moved to FL...and then to CA...where i lived for 15 years...

before moving back to florida.

when i was 16...my father moved back into the house with my mom.  they lived like room mates. in separate bedrooms.  always rolling their eyes behind each other's back. no love.

sally & andy were still living at home, but couldn't wait til the day they could move out!

the 3 of us were pretty close. but i had always been much closer to andy. we were like the black sheep of the family. i was the wild and crazy one. andy was gay. we were the adopted ones. if i ever needed someone to talk to...it was andy i'd call.  he was the ONLY one who knew my innermost thoughts. i had never been able to let anyone get inside my head...like andy could.  i could tell him anything. 

To the outside world, we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. 

We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. 

We share private family jokes. 

We remember family feuds and secrets,  family griefs and joys.

We live outside the touch of time.

anyway...'01...my dad passed away...prostate cancer that had spread 

through his entire body.

THAT hit hard. i loved my father. and it hurt...deep...to watch him fade away. to see the cancer turn him into this BODY that could no longer walk or speak...

i still have that haunting memory...that last day of his life...when he was trying to reach out to me...trying to speak...i could make out that 'V' sound.  he was trying to say 'i love you'. finally.  i always knew he did. he just couldn't get those words to ever cross his lips...not until then.  how sad.

  

sally & i became much closer after she became a mother. (my youngest son was five when sally had her first daughter). we continued to grow closer after both mom and dad were gone...the 3 of us held on a little tighter to one another.

about 2002, sally found out she had breast cancer.  had a mastectomy.  radiation.  chemo.  reconstruction surgery.

five years later after 'not feeling well'...knowing that there was something 'not right' going on in her head...it was discovered she had brain tumors. she had the biggest one removed. it was the SAME cancer as her breast cancer. spread throughout her entire body. 

she passed away in '07.  i was truly lost. in shock. how could this be? she didn't deserve this. she had 3 young girls.

i told andy i was never going through this again. 

i told him that i was going to be the next to go. i had to be.  this was just too much to deal with.

but he didn't listen.  close to a year and a half after sally's death,

andy was diagnosed with gastric cancer. it was a very aggressive strain of cancer.  

within 3 months he was gone.  that was september  of  '08.

and so...here i am.  thinking too much, as usual.  dwelling...on things i can't change. 

people don't really understand.  the pain i still carry around.  i should be over it all by now.

shouldn't i?  no one likes to hear me talk about 'them'...

but i'm not. over it.  so...what can i do...to 'move on...

if i go to a therapist...which i did after my dad passed away...they tell me i am clinically drepressed...have always been depressed...i need to take anti-depressants. i did.  for a couple of years. then i weaned myself off of them.

i know that the souls...spirits...of those that have passed on...are all around us.

i've seen...and felt the presence...of my dad, sally & andy. 

SO...i've decided to see a 'medium'. 

when i attended the Reiki class a few weeks ago...the guy who runs that massage clinic...is good friends with this woman who's a medium. 

she runs the "International Foundation for Spiritual Knowledge".  

i made an appointment. 

she'll be in town here...running a couple of workshops...in november.  

i have a meeting with her on november 13th.  for a private reading...session.

she is a spiritual person who can help me get through...or guide me through the connections with those i have loved...and lost.  i hope to leave there feeling more content...as though there has been some closure...so that i don't find myself feeling abandoned...guilty...flooded with overwhelming loss...every few months.

shortly after i started this blog...on july 7th, i did a post  similar to this one:  my mental health day...

july 23rd was my sister's birthday.  july 28th, my dad's. hence - that july post.

november 19th would be my brother's.

so...here i go again.   my therapy...writing.

whether anyones reads this or not...doesn't matter.   i'm doing it for me.

i just need to let it out.   face it...confront it...deal with it.

Sadness is but a wall between two gardens. 

~Kahlil Gibran

i'll go outside now...and slowly let nature in...let it eat at  the wall i've put around me...

making little holes where the light can start to shine through...

and then little by little...crumble away...

I go to nature to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in order.  

~John Burroughs 

stay cool - take care - laura

ps - friday late afternoon we're heading over to go camping at Lake Lochloosa...do some fishing...relaxing...friday and saturday night.  maybe this'll be a good thing...and i'll get some pictures...

my mental health day...

ipod in my ears. doing laps on my bike, trying to rid myself of this damn flu bug and sadness i've had for the past few days. i never used to get sick. i could go for years without ever taking a sick day. lately i think it has to do with my stress level. stress high = lowered immune system = time to make tea, take xtra vitamins and  drink that therau-flu. and so i push myself...riding hard...to metallica, korn, seether, tool. i like when staind comes on cause their songs can be a little depressing and that fits my mood. i can play the song 'cancer' by my chemical romance over and over...making my self cry...over and over. only to be soothed by  deuter or sigur ros...but it doesn't last. i don't want to be soothed right now. i don't wanna calm down. i want to YELL! scream! but instead i turn the volume UP...switch to just the hard rock...and push on... it's july. my dad's birthday was in july. so was my sister's. dad passed away in '01 (prostate cancer). luckily he passed away a few months before 9-11, cause THAT would've killed him for sure. with my dad on his death bed...not  able to speak anymore...but still aware during moments of lucidity that crept around the edges of the morphine...he tried to reach out for me and i could hear that 'V' sound trying to form from somewhere deep in him...i could see his lips trying to form the word...love. he was finally trying to say 'i love you'. i'd never heard that before. not from him. it was an image that has never left me. even to this day. it makes me cry. my sister sally and i used to talk alot about dad after he passed away. how sad we thought his life was. his wife, our lunatic mother, had passed away a number of years earlier and although dad did miss her, at least he was finally able to be himself. after dad passed away, i heard 'stories' about dad wanting a divorce and mom telling him NO, that if he tried to divorce her she'd take the three kids and kill herself and them. and so, my entire childhood i never witnessed a hug...kiss...hand holding...not ONE gesture of affection between my parents. getting back to sally. we used to talk about our lives. our mistakes. what we love and what we hate. we were very different people...but we understood our differences and we were always there for each other. through all the rough times with my 2 sons...drugs, jail, rehab...she never left my side. even though my brother-in-law had told sally to stop sending birthday cards to my 2 boys...i guess he didn't want his wife to have anything to do with her fucked up sister's family. sally told me she just couldn't do that! she was too caring...forgiving. and  i feel like i was always there for sally too...whenever she needed a shoulder to cry on...or lean on...or someone she could say anything to...without any judgement...i was just a phone call away. sally was the youngest of the 3 kids. 3 years younger than me. our brother andy was 2 years younger than me. in 2007 sally lost her battle to breast cancer. i was living 2 1/2  hours away...cancelled all my appointments until further notice...and went to sally's...to help her and her family...with cleaning, cooking, anything they might need help with! when sally was moved from home to hospice, we knew the end was near. i was trying to stay strong, but it was tough. sally had 3 young girls...she was my little sister...i was always the wild, crazy one...why did this have to be happening?! so i called sally's good friend who lived across the country...and our brother andy...and told them they better get there quick if they wanted to see sally before she passed away. when andy  arrived...my brother-in-law and middle niece got these screwed up looks on their faces and said "who called uncle andy? who told him to come?" > like they didn't know it was ME? i said "i did! he's our brother!"  it's funny the things that stick in your head. i wish i could get around it, but i can't. so there we were... andy and i were the only ones left of our immediate family. of everyone, andy and i were the closest. we were like the black sheep of the family. we stuck together. i told him "you better not fucking die cause i'm not going through this shit again! if anyone goes next, it's ME goddamnit!!" he didn't listen very well. the following year, in '07 he moved from NY to FL, with literally nothing but the clothes on his back and his 2 cats. he moved in with sam and i...a few months go by...he got a job...his own apartment...but he's not feeling well. anemic. bleeding inside. had to have transfusions. tests. more tests. the Drs thought maybe stomach ulcers. more tests. they're good at that! guessing and testing!! nope, not ulcers.  gastric cancer. a very aggressive cancer. from the first oncologist visit which i took him to...til he passed away in the hospital...was under a month. fuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!! what's going on? sure we had a pretty fucked up family...dysfunctional to the point of hilarious...but they're dropping like flies all around me! what did i do to deserve this?! hey you're probably thinking, shit, girl, you better be careful yourself...sounds like you have a family history of cancer.well,  i was adopted. so was andy. > maybe it was something in the water?

anyway...i feel better now. even if no one reads this...it was very therapeutic to GET IT OUT! 

OH yeah, one last thing...they say if you find feathers...that it's someone's spirit you were close to...letting you know they're still here for you. today i found 2 feathers. well, sam found one and i found the other. but i think we know who they're from and who they were meant for.

it's one thing to lose your parents. i mean, not that you WANT that to happen...right?! but when you lose your brother...sister...the ones that knew you the longest...of anyone else on earth. THAT sucks! i've never been good at all the 'family' stuff. the get-togethers. holidays. i always felt uncomfortable. like an outsider. like i didn't belong. i spent such a huge part of my life molding myself into what i thought i had to be...like a sponge. i thought my purpose was to BE loved...and i would do anything to make someone happy. to love me. for that huge part of my life...i didn't know who i was. i'm still learning. i'm still a little confused. OH, and  i may not say it enough, but i need to thank sam MORE than i do...for putting up with my depressing mood swings...for TRULY understanding what i'm going through...and for trying to make my life happier. you do. i love you. 

so i think i'll switch over to my soothing...peaceful tracks now and go for a leisurely ride...

Our brothers and sisters are there with us 

from the dawn of our personal stories 

to the inevitable dusk.

laura