Wednesday, January 25, 2012

buzzards. hawk. skull art & my fractured heart.

just gives you an unexpected curve ball.
a kick in the ass.
a slap in the face.
life was good...
it takes you by the
and tries to rip it out.


saturday morning i had an appointment.
15 minutes before i had to leave, travis noticed buzzards roosting in a tree out by the road.

sorry, it's a little on the dark side...looking into sun...

we wandered down the driveway to see what they were guarding.
a dead deer.   road kill.
don't picture of that very sad sight.
the vultures had already begun their feasting.

then travis pointed out a Red-shouldered hawk.

not a cloud in the sky!!

when i left my client's house...travis had left me a text.
"30 min after u left buzzards cleaned deer i dragged it in yard so you'll have bones"
when i got back home we buried it...out back, with the little mole & squirrel.


have i mentioned in previous posts that travis has been in trouble before?
he was court ordered TWICE to a residential Rehab facility.
over one year each time.
he has a record.   a felony.
oh, but that's not all.  a couple of misdemeanors too.

i REALLY thought things were going good.
i thought HE was doing good.

monday i had a voice mail from the arresting officer.
petit theft.  travis was on his way to jail.

OH, but that's not all!
the officer told me that while he was running travis' name...
a warrant popped up!!
for petit theft in another county.
farther south.  where i picked him up when he said he wanted to come up here.


here i sit.
but not really.
disappointed (in travis)...yes.

deja vu.

i don't want to go on and on about this.
my troubles.  my sadness.  
my fractured heart...
turning harder
with each of his 
self inflicted
his lies.
my blindness?

but i needed to say the words.
and i needed to give (you) an update on travis.


on a HAPPIER note...
over the past couple of weeks
i've been decorating a couple of deer skulls...

ONE is finished & i have already added it to my 'etsy' shop.
(pressed flowers, cicada & butterfly wings, art pen & acrylic paint)

this next skull is somewhat of a FIRST.
i used the skull as my canvas.
i painted!!

or course, a swirly moon. with a little glitter.

hmmmmm.   what do you think?


as a mother...all this travis stuff tears my heart apart.
again & again. over & over.
as a mother...i can't help feeling 
like a failure.

i can only hope that
one day
he will 
have respect 
for himself


have a happy rest of the week...
stay cool & be safe.


"I've never had a problem with drugs. I've had problems with the police."
~Keith Richards

(sounds like something travis might say)


  1. Laura, I am so sorry you are having so much trouble with your Travis. I feel like as a parent we can only do so much guiding and teaching, after that they should become responsible adults. LOL, Kids sometimes make you want to wring their necks and scream. On to something brighter, I love your painted skull, you did a beautiful job. My favorite is the one with the swirly moon. I did have a laugh at the Keith Richard quote. Take care and I hope things get better.

  2. oh, laura. i'm so sorry. he is making his own mistakes and must take responsibility for them and pay for them. but sadly, you pay for them, too. thru forgiveness, trust, naive notions, a mother's unconditional love...

    i like the first skull a lot - the cicada wings are really a nice addition. i'm not so fond of really bright colors, but i think the 2nd would grow on me. can't beat a great tree!

  3. So sorry to hear about all the Travis stuff, love and lessones everyday, sometimes tough stuff, it's all you can offer until each lesson is learned, and myself already having been that route with my own Travis stuff (although different name) in the end, just as after a heavy rain washes all our hopes away, your broken heart is mended and the sun shines brightly on all, it truly, truly does happen that way...and you have all that lovely stuff!!! to put such creative work all over making it even cooler than it began to be...oh yes, after the rain the alway comes back! Hugs for Travis as well....take care of those bones that sadly have to come our way...road kill....not the best in the world, and some folks like my neighbors up the street with their wild animal kingdom they actually take in fresh road kill, it's the circle of life. What is sad for us, becomes another person's glory, life is strange and wonderful isn't it!

  4. Keep creating, keep pouring yourself into your art, keep breathing. With those things, you have power. (((Hugs)))

  5. oh Laura, that must have been awful to go through
    looks like you've been doing some self care in the art studio...
    just wondering, do you ever get a massage yourself, might be time for you to be on the table for a change

  6. Laura, my dear friend, you have given me so much in ways no one knows. Your heart will mend, as will Travis. It will just take time....:)JP

  7. Laura...I think it is a good step for you to be able to share your pain with us!!
    There is probably not many who haven't gone through something with there kids..unfortunately we Moms tend to blame may be time to place the blame where it his decisions!!
    Tough love is not easy,but needed!!
    Your work is fantastic and good therapy ...take care of yourself..and put "no" in your vocabular...I know words are cheap ..we are here pulling for you!!

  8. My heart breaks for you, dear one! As a parent we can only do so much. They grow up and make their own choices. All we can do is make sure they pay the consequences and pray. You can hate what they do, but love them anyways. And he is an adult, after all.

    As a mother, we can't help but wonder about responsibility and guilt--even when we could never be a saint or perfect, you know? Don't be hard on yourself. So many times I've seen in big families where several kids turn out just fine but one is trouble. They were all raised in the same house, you know?

    There are things we are born with and things we are formed by...but it all boils down to choice. Personal choices. And he has made his. Your heart may break for him, but please don't blame yourself. The only person who can change him is him. He is destined to walk his own path.

    I wish I could just reach out and hug you! And that we could sit and chat over coffee. *love and hugs* :)

  9. Oh Dear Laura, when I first read your opening words, and then read Buzzards... I started to do an inner panic... kept travelling the Post... and sorry, but felt such relief when I read Deer... deep apologies Deer.

    The photo of the one Buzzard, wings spread, on the branch, amid the pine like foliage is stunning. Beautiful result. Well done.

    No concern of being preyed upon shows the Red-shouldered-hawk sitting out in the open like that surveying its surrounds. A nice way to warm up too I presume with being Winter for you.

    A bit lost for words I am for you where Travis is concerned.
    I feel so disappointed for him.
    To notice the Buzzards, the Hawk, and bring in the deceased, cleaned Deer, then help you bury it...
    well he's not unaware, and obviously respects you...
    But... oh gosh... what a dreadful momentary shock for you... one that will linger too, and that is sad also.

    Laura I still support what you have done for Travis, even more so reading his affliction for aligning himself with deeds that put him in Police Cells and Courts and provide him with a reference of being untrustworthy.

    You cannot stop questioning your own worth as a Mother that is understandable...
    Travis is in his 20's... Travis has lived away from you for some years now... Travis has already experienced Social Response to what is unacceptable behaviour...

    If Travis cannot or does not want to comprehend there are right ways and wrong ways to interact amid Society it really is not your fault.

    For Travis presumably knowing about the problem he created, and then to have requested you to bring him to you...
    well he may have thought he could hide behind you...
    but to me,
    Travis is showing he is aware that his behaviour is unacceptable and wrong, otherwise he had no reason to quietly turn to you to hide and also tell you nothing.

    What he's doing is not about you.

    All children I believe, need to eventually accept responsibility for their own behaviour.
    It really is up to Travis to decide what he prefers his life to be about...
    If he continues as he has been doing, then he must accept his life will be repeated experiences of being carted off by the Police, Jails and Courtrooms..
    to choose living a life that enables him to move about and amid Society without fear, shame and awaiting that next arrest.

    As Parents we can only advise, guide, insist, encourage, and be there as needed...
    in the end the child has to decide which Path to Walk.

    In Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet, there are words he wrote about Parenting.. part of which referenced Parents can only be the Bow that sends the Arrow forth...
    and I really do believe that.

    Am so sorry for what has unfolded, but Travis has had time to consider living differently thanks to you...
    the sad part to all this is that rotten employer who ran and kept away instead of paying Travis... that supposed adult has not helped Travis at all.
    And I still believe the Employer should be held accountable for his behaviour... it also amounts to theft, and he's getting away with it.

    Your Skull Art is beautiful Laura, and the painted one so strong. Looks stunning with the brown leaves as a background.
    The painted Skull has me think of memories... a scene that would have been seen when supporting a living body. I think I like it.

    I wonder if all those quotes you include, which always suit perfectly, just wait for you to find them. Certainly a powerful relationship with words you have.

    Love you Laura... hugs too... xxx
    may each day and night become better for you... magda

  10. Hi Laura, I too am sorry for your heartbreak. I am also in a similar situation, story some other time. I at least came out of it with little grandson Scooter. And my son has lived with us for almost 3 years now at the age of 32, and I will add, he's not the only player in the game. We've been going thru it for some time never seems to stop. I was keeping a journal, but it became so depressing, and, then I found blogging. Because, I had other interests and fun stories to tell, just like you. I continue to blame myself, and am continually told to stop, because they choose the path they're on. So, you know, some days are good, some not so good. And, I know, you must be feeling alone. I have the best husband...don't know what I would do without his support. But, sometimes I feel alone too. And, then, you find, that many others go thru these same things. I wonder, how they get thru it. And, I am told that I'm very strong, that some people could not endure these things. I know you're strong too, Laura, because you are able to continue with your life's goals, and you accomplish!

    I really like your skull with the moon...bright and shiny! And the hawk is very cool. And, I enjoy hearing from you-you're a fun lady! My prayers going out to you and yours...hugs!

  11. Every parent - every mother - will feel empathy and understanding for what you are going through. We never stop worrying about our kids. The comments above contain some very wise words - what great followers you attract... hmmm, wonder why ?? :):)

    I love the first skull especially. You have so much talent and warmth.


  12. Stay strong with all the Travis stuff girl!

    I LOVE that first skull. Amazing!

  13. I feel your pain and worry over Travis. While they have very different issues, my own grown sons also seem to be lagging behind in the "responsible adult" department, something which nags at me and follows me around like a dark cloud. These are surely trying times for young adults (and their parents!)

    Your skulls are gorgeous!

  14. Dear Laura: I am so sorry to learn of your heartache and great disappointment. I can only echo the wisdom and insight expressed by your marvellous followers. Please try to take comfort in the knowledge that as Travis's Mother, you did your best with raising him. As hard as it is for both of you right now, these are his actions and his choices and he must assume full responsibility for them until he chooses to walk a different path. I know this is easier said than done and that a mother's desire to make things right never goes away. Sending you loving hugs. xoxo

  15. i don't know if any of you who have left a comment...have checked the box for 'e mail follow up comments'...but just in case you have...i just want to say i am overwhelmed by all your support & understanding...all your words of wisdom & encouragement.

    i appreciate all of you more than you know. it's never been easy for me to 'get close' to people, and it amazes me that through HERE...meeting all of you by way of our blogs...that i have learned to open my heart and bare my you.

    you have all comforted me...and i thank you for being here.

    my arms are wrapped around you all...*big hug*


  16. Oh, Laura, so sorry to hear about the troubles with Travis. I know, it breaks the heart. Been there, done that with No.1 Son. Just always seems to be something. Hang in there.

  17. phew Laura, echo all the wise words in previous comments and sending you huge comforting healing transatlantic hugs. I have felt so close to you since for ever! love and light X

  18. How terrible about Travis. Our loved ones have a way to take our hearts, step on it, crap on the pieces and then spit at what's left. Don't feel like you are blind, you just love. Maybe I'm trying to make myself feel better. I used all my savings to pay for a VERY close family member to have a hysterectomy. She had used me in the past, but when her doctor contacted me to say that the operation had to be done or her life might be in danger and didn't waiver. That was a while ago. I just found out that she is pregnant with the doctor's baby. It seems that they enjoyed my money. I feel like an idiot, but what can one do?

    Move on, right? I know your case is much, much, much worse. It hurt deeper when it is a child. But I wanted you to understand that you aren't the only one. I know you know, but I needed to say that, too.

    Now that I have comment-jacked this post... Oh My Gods! I love these skulls. Only the fact that I just spent all my savings lol, keeps me from buying them.

    I'll run my mouth about them on my blog in a few days. I'll attach the post to your blog and Etsy shop, and then send you the link.

    Your Travis and your fractured heart are in my prayers.

  19. Laura, I was so scared...thought with the title you might be physically ill--mentioning the heart. Then I read on.

    Was so in awe of your caring followers and of their willingness to share their experiences.

    All I can say is that don't be afraid to use professionals... to ease your fractured heart. I just started seeing a counselor to deal w family issues because the emotions just wouldn't go away.

    I hope my action 'models' a way to ease my family's pain.

    I believe what people 'do' is what actually others listen and learn from. So when I think my family needs counseling I am going to the counselor.

    Maybe if I can learn how to 'Let Go' of their problems, maybe they might be open to seeking help from professionals too.

    My cat's name was 'Model' and my dog's name is 'LetGo.' Guess you could say I am starting veterinary school if anyone asks when I am off to a counseling session.

    Humor does heal.

  20. Hi Laura, So sorry about your troubles -- sometimes the blog is the only place to spill them! But I love your painted skull, and the buzzard pictures.

    I'm suffering from lack of inspiration myself. Hope to be back in full force soon.

  21. thanks all who have taken time to leave me with encouragement and support!
    just when i need it the most...there you are!! thanks MUCH!
    i haven't been in a mood to sit and read blogs...just haven't felt my
    normal self...BUT i'm going for long walks...have a massage app't this morning (on a sunday!), not for ME...and i'm hoping to start catching up tomorrow!
    hugs to all! xoxo

  22. Sorry to hear about your son. I hope he can figure it out and get on the right path someday.

    Love the shots of the buzzard and hawk.

  23. I came by today to check up on you. So pleased to hear you're enjoying your walks. I wish you could get a massage, too! Big hug xoxo

  24. Laura, we, too, have a "prodigal son" in his 30s. Do not beat YOURSELF up over what HE does. I agree with everything that Magda has said, and have learned that the hard way. Still, we love them because they are our kids. There is always risk involved in loving anyone, but it is a risk we need to be able to take, for it is part of what makes us who we are. You love with all your heart, Laura, so you hurt with all of it, also. This, too, shall pass and you will go on with your life. I do hope Travis gets his straightened out - but remember, whether he does or not, there is much you have no control over. Your blog shows how gifted you are & just how much you have to give, so go on with that - pour out you heart and soul here, for that connects you with each of us and together, we offer love & support. Bless you!

  25. Always remember that everything has a purpose and everyone and the way they are is chosen on soul level. Travis chose you and you chose Travis and everyone has something to learn from this. Having said this, I know the human in us can be quite harsh, but don't beat yourself up about this. Life is life and you (Travis) gets to a point where you (Laura) can no longer be blamed for the choices that other people make. Even if they are our kids. There are a million things I could suggest you do, mostly, I would recommend just listening, with your heart and your ears. To Travis, to the Universe, to Nature. Just be still and find space to listen and hear what it is that needs to be heard form these events.

    On the upside, you'll soon have more bones and the new skulls both look great. I love the painted one, reminds me of "Starry Night".

    Sending you lots of hugs, loads of love and heaps of understanding! oh, and a smile, from my heart to yours.

  26. I'm so sorry for the heartache with your son. I hope that he eventually does learn to respect himself and others--and though I am not a parent myself, I do know that there is only so much you can do...

    I really like the photo of the buzzard with wings spread in the pine tree.

  27. meant to leave a message here too about that painted skul .......its stunning ...took my breath away when I saw it It came straight from your soul ....but had to email you straightaway about Travis and didn't leave a comment you Laura thinking of you ...xx


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