Tuesday, May 17, 2011

i'm hanging...

...in there.

(hibiscus after the rain)

yeah, i'm still here.
i've just been a little stressed lately...a little down.
but you didn't stop by to hear all about that...did you?
'i don't mind', you say...'that's what i'm here for...
go ahead...TALK...it'll make ya' feel better!'

ok. you asked for it.

remember my client...the one who was in an abusive relationship...
had i mentioned that he has cancer? he's been a client of mine for 7 years...
and i've been seeing him twice a month for all that time.
i care about him alot. he was in the hospital for a week. his cancer has metasticized.
i took him back to his ap't from the hospital...
and the next day he was taken to a Hospice Care Center.
he's there now. he has no family here.
i've been running myself ragged trying to do all i can for him.
besides feeling sad for all he has gone through...
it also brings back all the emotional stuff i carry...
over the loss of my mom, dad, sister and brother...
who each one (except mother) lost their battle to cancer.
(passion flower)

a couple of months ago i had picked up some new clients.
they live in group homes...and are all diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy.
the company that owns the group homes i go to, owns six group homes.
in one of them (not one of the homes i go to), they suffered a horrific abuse incident.
following that...the state revoked their license and they had to close all their group homes.
my clients had to find new homes. their lives were sent into turmoil.
i don't even know where some of them have moved to.
(shrimp plant)

some months back...while eating dinner...i bit my lower lip.
actually, it was more than just a bite. i gouged the (shit) out of it.
and each time it started to heal...i bit it again. and again. and so on.
it became a never ending cycle. 
i've tried herbs, vitamin e...
but nothing will help to get rid of this now permanent scar tissue on my lip!
between my tongue and teeth...i just can't leave it alone!
so...i fought my fear of doctors...and finally sat down with the phone book...
and made some calls. Dentists. Oral Surgeons. i was told i need to see a
Plastic Surgeon since the lip is a very sensitive part of the body.
last friday i had a consult with one. he looked at it...said he could take care of it...
and then proceeded to tell me that after he removed it, it would  be sent off for a biopsy.
a biopsy?
but it all began by biting my lip!
then the Dr starts telling me...if the results come back showing anything i should be
concerned about...he'll refer me to another Dr.
so here i go again. worry...and no insurance...
thinking of my brother & sister...even though my brother & i were adopted...
maybe it was something in the water?? 
i'm good at driving myself crazy. thinking too much.
so, this coming friday, i'm scheduled for in office surgery.
(oak leaf hydrangea)

two days before my consult with the Plastic Surgeon...
as i'm driving down the road...munching on some trail mix...
i bit down on something HARD! like a stone! then i felt TWO hard things in my mouth.
i separated them with my tongue...spit them out...one was like a little rock...
the other was part of one of my TEETH!!!
when it rains...it pours.

have i mentioned that i have an abnormal FEAR of Dentists?
it all stems from when my mother wouldn't let the Dentist 
use novocaine on us kids. YEP!  he drilled our teeth with NO numbing agent.
he would tell us to raise our hand when it started to hurt...and he'd stop.
but  he didn't.

have you ever seen that movie...with Dustin Hoffman..."Marathon Man"?
where he's tortured by getting his teeth drilled?   
"Is it safe?"
when i go to the dentist...i go in a state of FEAR.
i sit there shaking...and crying.

one thing at a time.
first my lip...
then find a dentist that will knock me out to do whatever he has to do!
(rain lilies)

ONE funny thing...
while looking up Dr's in the phone book...
i came across this advertisement:
i sure hope the Dentist herself...didn't send in the Ad!
unless of course...she's saying that she does General Dentistry
EXCEPT for New Patients of All Ages. 
so what kind of dentistry does she do for new patients?
never mind. i don't wanna know.
i'm pretty sure she's ACCEPTING new patients!
not me though. 

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.  
~Jennifer Yane

ok. so now you know what's been going on with me. 
i haven't been getting on the computer much.
been staying away from FB.
not been doing any reading of blogs.  and only checking emails every so often.
my motivation has been pretty much...zilch!
(leaves of the Buckeye plant)

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.  
~Lily Tomlin

last weekend sam and i took off for a spur of the moment get-away.
we went camping at O'Leno State Pk...not a far drive from here.
it was nice. 
i...sort of...pushed into the recesses of my mind...all that's been bothering me. 
between the hiking...ticks...deer...rabbits...ticks...alligators...turtles...
and the plucking off of more ticks...
i temporarily set aside my worries.
until i bit my lip while eating.  :\

oh well...maybe after i get this damn scar tissue removed on friday...
i'll be on the road to recovery...and start catching up on all my reading here...
working on getting new clients...find a gentle dentist...
and pace myself when it comes to my client/friend in Hospice.

here's a preview of O'Leno State Pk.

(milo had a stress-free weekend)
more to come next time...

so...i'll be back. shortly. and catch up with everyone and everything.

in the meantime. stay cool.
have a safe journey & enjoy the ride.

:]  laura

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, 
of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, 
and not bothering.  
~Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne

...i'm trying...i'm hanging in there...


  1. wow you've been going thru a lot lately...(((Hugs))) , I did enjoy your pictures very much...you are a good photographer :) happy tuesday

  2. Wow Girl you been going through some crap huh. I sure hope all goes well Friday , those damn doctors love to scare folks . I agree with Holly ,you have great pics .Glad you have a chance to get out and take pics that can be good therapy. Keep your chin up ! peace and hugs

  3. I wondered what you were up to...never for a moment thought anything as intense as you've been going through on all fronts! I wish I were able to do something to help...all I'm able to do is send you a great big cyberhug ((( Laura)))

    I will think of you on Friday and trust all will go smoothly, with no bad news at the end! You really have been stretching yourself too far and maybe biting your lip was the only way to get you to slow down ;)

    This brings you much love!
    Des xoxo

  4. And here I thought it was just the blog glitches...I've missed you! You're getting dumped on right now - no question about that. But you are truly a surviver and I can sense that you are already gathering your wits about you & re-grouping your troops for these "battles" you are now waging.
    On the bright side: you clients are so very fortunate to have someone like you in their lives. It is ALWAYS a risk to care/love, but one I see you taking time after time.You are wise enough (tho scared to death) to consult the medical folks about your physical needs...knowing what you're dealing with is so much better than not knowing because our imaginations run rampant. There are some very good dentists out there these days who will respect your fears and truly do offer pain-free treatment. I hope and pray that you find one..the bills will get paid, but your health is of utmost importance. Hang in There - your followers are with you "in spirit!"

  5. Oh man Laura, you have been catching it haven't you. There's been a bad case of shit hitting the fan going around and it seems that most people I know have gotten caught in it.

    This too, will pass. I know, it's easy to say when it's not you, but it is me too and we just have to hang on to that.

    Good thoughts being sent your way

  6. Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaura!!!!
    You have been through AA LOT!, and I mean AAaa LOT! Wow... You're one brave person! And a person who goes out of their way to help people! That's rare, and pure, and true, and good...!
    The biopsy thing is juuuuust to be cautious... nothing to worry about InshaAllah, I mean like u said u were biting your LIP! I've had MaaaASSIVE mouth ulcers cause of my annoying brace...kind of like the same thing.. in the sense that the metal kept 'biting' into my inner cheek... took months to get better, but they did!
    Dentists are always intimidating, but im sure NO dentist will treat you without the proper anaesthesia - requiring procedure! If they do, you can sue! and go rich :P
    Diseases are such MEAN things... they have a way of showing how helpless one can be... with the many patients I meet n see in our hosp clinical rotations Im reminded of that again n again n AGAIN!
    Hang in there Laura... TOUGH TIMES DONT ALWAYS LAST, BUT TOUGH PEOPLE DO! You've got so many people behind you, dont fret or forget! Prayers for your health n of those around...! It'll turn out f.i.n.e. Breath. Will it to turn out fine. God willing, it will.

  7. What can I say? You have the BIGGEST HEART IN THE WORLD! Life keeps polishing that Golden Heart.

    Wanted to give a hint I got from a neighbor about looking for a dentist - look for one that treats mentally impaired children. Her impaired grandson loves going to the dentist.

    Take care and glad to hear you were conserving energy.

    Like the book says: All I needed to know I learned in kindergarten. Such as...when tired take a nap ... take turns... Share AND THIS MEANS SHARING BURDENS not just toys. Thanks for sharing. Your sharing helps your followers too.

  8. I get all militant about doctors and the way they bully you. You SHOULD be allowed to say, "I dont NEED a biopsy" and get what you want. That just ticks me off!! want me to come up there and smack him for ya?? haha. Sorry about the rest of the stuff. I do hope it felt better to put it all in writing, and let it (go??hopefully)
    Love you!!! Did you get to see Mom's flowers?? I need to know if they lasted, I hope they were awesome

  9. OMG Laura, where does anything begin and then END? I'm with you on dentists...I throw up in the chair and faint. I can't even discuss it without getting sick to my stomach and almost crying-and I need dental work. Yes, you'll need to be knocked out- and I insist they don't speak of shots or show me the needle. But I have heard that injuries of the mouth heal quicker than some other injuries, so I'm shining on you to heal quickly.

    What beautiful photos-the shrimp plant is a first for me to see. And I love oakleaf hydrangeas.

    How about that sign? You get all the goods on notices and signs-a real Jay O'Leno! HA!

    Speaking of O'Leno, the foggy forest pics are unique. Especially the one under the cool squirrel. You could probably turn that one into a dark, spooky, halloween type picture.

    I am so sorry for your friend and client. You are a blessed person to be there and do what you can. And it is draining-you've got spunk! Hope you can come down from some of it and relax. And Milo is looking good.

    So glad you're back with the best photos. Hanging in there with you!

  10. I hope the scar tissue removal goes well! Stay strong girl!

  11. Dear Laura,

    What an absolutely big fat bummer of a time you've been having.

    Will be thinking of you on Friday and sending those good thoughts directly to you.

    There are gentle and understanding dentists out there. I hope your paths cross.

    How kind you are to be giving that poor soul all your attention like that.

    Loved the sign. Oh boy, it's a classic!

    Warmest of hugs Laura.

    Susan xx

  12. Hey Laura
    Hugs to you - I'm so sad that you've been having such a rough time - you're always so supportive and helpful to others - got quite a stock of good karma there, girl!

    I'll be thinking about you tomorrow


  13. thanks everybody!!! i just knew i could count on you to make me feel better....all your support...encouragement...kindness...and friendship!
    i kinda felt bad...DUMPING it all on ya...but, hey! it did make me feel a little better...like knocking some of that burden off my shoulder...wish i could do that with my lip.
    surgery was rescheduled for TOMORROW....thursday!! i'm sooo nervous...as expected...who wouldn't be...but by tomorrow night it'll all be over! my app't is at 4pm. i plan to just close my eyes as soon as my butt hits the big 'surgical' chair. i don't wanna see any needles...or scalpels...or anything!! just get it over with.

    the suggestion...from jean/crayzys... about looking for a dentist that works with impaured children...GOOD idea!!!!!!!
    susan/kard korner...we're much alike...i hyperventilate on the way over to dentist. i DO feel faint...have fainted many times in my life...and can sometimes work myself through it...and not pass out totally. maybe we can find a good dentist some place between the 2 of us...and have a rondezvous...and hold each other's hands while in the chair! ha! or at least keep each other from fainting.

    THANKS everyone....i KNOW things will get better...and there are so many with much worse problems than me...mine are minor compared to some...BUT at the moment...it feels MOUNTAINOUS!! :] laura

    (i'll update y'all...over the weekend...as i think i'll be stuck in the house with a big fat lip!)

  14. oooo ALL THE BEST FOR YOUR SURGERY! Who knows, you might turn out with an Angelina Jolie-type lip!!! surreal! I hope all will be okay! warm wishes..

  15. I've missed you too Laura! What a horrendous thing to have to have your teeth drilled with no novacain! What about Do No Harm??
    I love the advice about a children's dentist who specializes in special needs kids. Research them, call them, interview them and don't do anything till you feel comfortable that they understand you.
    I think the passion flower is YOUR flower. You are full of passion and with that goes a sensitivity to others pain.
    It will pass. Hang in there!

  16. Beautiful natural distractions


    love and healing light


  17. Hello Wonderful Laura,
    You've done a great thing sharing of your self the way you have in this Post... and wow, what a wonderful response...
    You have the best of the bestest Followers Laura.
    My cheeks are aching from Smiling with the warmth I feel pouring out from them to you...

    Loving hugs to you with huge good wishes, thanks for sharing.

    Sorry, but I also laughed as I read and wandered this Post... my imagination saw you Walking about Nature, Telling us your Story, while without thinking presenting us with beautiful items from Nature to appreciate, how quirky of you.

    Horrid news about your tooth though, seems like it is not hurting... hopefully isn't. You certainly don't need that heaped up on all the weights challenging you right now.

    Laura take some time to look at the beautiful imagery balancing the words of sadness this Post contains you have created...
    you are so filled with Love, that even with your present traumas, all that is beautiful still permeates everything on this Post... and you being you even gave humour.... this Post is very filled with Healing Energy, it's beautiful.

    Who you are Laura is far greater than the worst moment you could imagine... By the way has Milo managed to become tubby??

    Thinking of you,
    Hugs filled with Friendship from Magda(Australia)

  18. PS... Laura is the Owl on your Side Bar below the More Critters, Creatures etc List wearing some kind of jacket???
    Hugs from Magda(Australia)

  19. ...THANKS AGAIN!! here i sit...home after my one and only massage today...now i have hours to wait...and be nervous! ha! no, really...i'm doing good...considering...you have ALL helped me! thanks!

    AMUSED MEDIC...nonono...i don't want big fat lips! haha!! i like them just the way they are! well, i might have ONE fat lip...but that will fade away... :)

    TRUCKING TUMBLEWEED stacey...aaaaw, the purple passionflower...me?? i like that!! it's a beautiful & unusual looking flower...and you can make wine out of the fruit!! :)

    LINDSEY...thank you!! yep, exactly...i KNEW i was going to be laying it out there pretty THICK...the least i could do was add some pleasantries in between...thanks for taking the time to leave a note! :)

    MAGDA...you always say so much...i don't know how to respond...i am so humbled...and am so very appreciative of all the kind things you say! you are certainly a treasure! OH!!!! and after going and looking at our owl...hahahahaaa...i never saw it that way, but he DOES look like he's got a scarf wrapped around his neck...or a HIGH collar on his winter coat! hahahaaa!!! good observation!

    Thanks AGAIN to EVERYONE for your thoughts....and healing energy...
    :] laura

  20. My Father died very sudden a while ago ago. I didt realize how much it affected me. I was a man and had to be strong. Well I slowly sank into depression and I still remember one thursday I was trying to take a nap and I started crying and felt I was having a Nervous Breakdown. I got up and got on the computer and I saw a Link to your blog from Lori at the fish camp. I read it and all of your troubles in your life and somehow it calmed me down and was so soothing to my soul. You really helped me that day I could never pay it back. you friend steve

  21. Sorry Laura, work has been so busy I didn't have time to comment before today. You know, I don't know which is worse, when life just keeps yo-yo-ing or when it feels like it all dumps at once!
    I will be keeping you in my thoughts this afternoon. And no, talking about what is going on in your life is not dumping. Anyone who thinks life is all fun and great is either delusional or drinking heavily. LOL!
    Honest Blogger for life!!!!

  22. Holy Moosepoops, Laura! You know I'm here, although I'm in the pits as well...:)JP

  23. I've been away for a few days with no internet access, and look what you get up to while I'm gone!!!

    I have dentaphobia too, and the teeth to prove it :(

    May your healing be swift and sure.
    From the superficial lip wound, to the deeper wounds life has left you with thus far.

    Trust the care comments left have worked their charm and been a salve of sorts too :)

  24. update...surgery went good. honestly...the Dr was amazing! he made me feel so relaxed and he was so gentle...caring...what a much needed & pleasant surprise! i have a fat lip...stitches...have to sleep on my back, head elevated. drink everything through a straw...UGH! but at least i made it through this ordeal without actually passing out! ha!

    steve...believe me...i completely understand what you went...and prob still are...going through! and you know what...sometimes when i write down ALL the shit that i've gone through...i feel bad 'dumping' it out there...on everyone...because there are so many who are way worse off than little ole' me! anyway...i'm sure glad you found me...and can find some PEACE...and understanding...when you drop in... :)

    Calling Ravens/meggs...yeah...i know...i'm not really dumping my problems on everyone...but sometimes it DOES feel like it...BUT...it also makes me feel better. good therapy to write. and good therapy to hear everyone else's 'story'...their support...and encouragement...THANKS! :)

    Home In Hollow/jp...BIG SLOPPY MOOSEPOOPS!! but things will improve...for both of us! :)

    Kel...THANK YOU! yes! at least i'm on the mend! my lip is way better than it was on thursday night...and i think i'm going to try and hold out on the dentist until sam's insurance kicks in at work...then i'll find one of those dentists that sedates you... :)

    Thank you ALL for your support, encouragement...and kind words!! Thanks for hanging in there...with me...
    BIG *hugs* to all of ya!! :] laura

  25. So glad the surgery went well - know my thoughts & prayers are with you. I do believe there are more Drs/Dentists around today who know how much some people have been traumatized by treatments in the past - or are simply overly apprehensive. It is just a matter of finding the right physician for you - appears the "lip guy" worked out well. Your sharing has been very helpful - HEY, we're all in this together (and don't you forget it!) Take care of yourself - we'll all be here when you get back...

  26. This durn Blogger won't always let me post comments. Sometimes it is for all the blogs I follow and sometimes it is only random ones of the group. Don't know what is going on, but anyway, glad you are okay. Keep hanging in there and don't fear the dentist too much. The newspaper ad was a hoot.Hugs!

  27. So relieved that the surgery is done... The Lord works in mysterious ways.

    You are a "Bright Spot" in my life. With your bright spot and the other bright spots, my faith deepens and leads me to listen for more bright spots.

    Hey, you never knew you had a multiplier effect! It is like the young boy who "passed it forward.'

  28. Awww I'm so happy it went well!! that's great laura :))) lots n lotsss of wishes for a speedy lip-deflation!! :D

  29. Laura, you obviously have lots of friends here and a loving,healing God, my prayers are lifted up for you. Keep up that wonderful musing and beautiful photography

  30. Ladybug, bunnits, crayzys, Amused Medic, and doug!
    THANKS ALL for your comfort...kind words...and healing thoughts!!

    you're always there...when i need ya the most! :]

    NOW...if you read this...i'm here to say i JUST posted a loooong one this morning and it didn't get picked up by the FEEDS...again!

    google...blogger...is all screwy lately...so...here's the link to my new post! http://forestwalkart.blogspot.com/2011/05/lip-updatethen-get-lost-in-woods.html

    SEEYA!! happy saturday!! :] laura


thanks for stopping by! it's always nice to hear from fellow wanderers!